Stop Calling It a Boundary: How to Protect Your Peace Without Controlling Others

Do you ever feel like your boundaries just aren’t working? You tell yourself you’ve set them, but people still cross the line—or worse, you feel frustrated, resentful, and unheard.

Here’s the truth: many of us confuse boundaries, rules, standards, and expectations—and that’s where the frustration starts.

In this episode of Clear & On Purpose, Christina unpacks:

• The difference between boundaries and expectations (and why only one protects your peace)
• Why rules don’t work when it comes to relationships, parenting, or the workplace
• How standards help you raise the bar for how you show up in your life
• Practical ways to communicate boundaries without trying to control others
• Simple mindset shifts to balance your professional goals and family life without burning out

If you’re ready to stop trying to control what you can’t, and instead reclaim peace in both your work and home life, this episode is for you.

Resources Mentioned:

• Join The Village: Click here to connect with our community.
• Sign up for the Momentum Challenge: Click here to get started.

Resources & Links

• Follow Christina @christinaslaback
• Email us at hello@christinaslaback.com
• www.christinaslaback.com

Transcript

Boundaries, Rules, and Personal Standards Clarified

[00:00:00] Boundaries are limits that you set for yourself and they're about your own individual behavior. They are not about other people's behavior. They are not about how other people interact with you. It is about what you and your behavior is. 

Christina: Welcome to Clear and On Purpose, the podcast design to help you cut through the noise and get back to what matters most. If you're feeling stuck, but needs to take intentional action, you are in the right place. I'm Christina Slayback, homeschooling mom of two, and life and business coach. Helping you drop in and align with your values three or space Each week I'll be sharing practical insights and simple actionable steps to help you find clarity, boost your energy, and design a life that balances ambition with.

Let's dive in and get clear on purpose.

I constantly hear from people, whether [00:01:00] it's clients or just talking to friends. This for FRA about trying to implement boundaries and other people not respecting their boundaries and. When I hear this, I start to think that maybe people aren't understanding what it means to set a boundary and what a boundary actually is.

And by looking at and talking about the difference between boundaries, rules, expectations, and standards, and getting more granular about what it is that it means when you set a boundary and what the expectations are and what you have control over. I think that it can. Really be helpful when you're looking at what kind of boundaries you wanna set and how you work and in and interact with the boundaries that you're setting.

So I know that a while back that I used to, when I was running an organization [00:02:00] and schooling the kids and doing all the things I used to feel like I was constantly on and. Because I was easily accessible, so if people wanted to message me or they wanted to email me or or contact me, I was on and I was the point of contact and I would get upset because there wasn't a difference between my work and personal life.

It just kind of one bled into the other and I would get frustrated when people wouldn't. Give me that space of having that time off. And what I wanted to do was implement a boundary like I, that would delineate that personal time from the work time. So I am not going to be answering emails after my work hours or, or after this time.

And what I noticed that, that me just saying that. Or having that be for myself didn't actually solve the problem, [00:03:00] which was that I would still get irritated when people would email or message me, but the problem was within myself and that the boundary that I set. Wasn't something that I could control. I couldn't control if other people were sending me information.

I couldn't control if I, that information was incoming because that's somebody else's behavior that had nothing to do with me. What I did have control over and what I really needed to implement was the boundary, was that I wasn't going to open or look at my messages during non-working hours. So if there was an emergency and somebody needed to call me, fine, but if it was just an email or a message that was coming in that I simply wasn't going to be checking my messages after work hours, and that was something that I had full and complete control over.

And what I realized is that as I began to implement that and communicate it to other people as well, but as I began to [00:04:00] implement that, the amount of emails and responses that I got during those off hours actually decreased. And the ones that I had weren't actually even necessarily needing a response right now.

They weren't expecting a response immediately most of the time. But because I had gotten that and because I had already looked at it. Had thought about responding, and so then it was in my head whether I responded to or not, it was creating this, this open loop that was just available that was just, I needed to close.

So the easiest way to do that was just to respond to the email. Then rather than sitting and leaving it un or un responded to in my inbox and still having that thought in my head until the next morning. So by placing the boundary, which was what I had control over on, I'm just not going to. Check my messages or check my emails after a certain point, and making that clearly communicated that if the event of an emergency call me, like contact me that way, then my boundary was enforced because [00:05:00] what I had control over was me and my actions.

And I think that when the Confucian sits in or sets in, it's. Trying to dictate boundaries that are controlling other people's behavior and boundaries in themselves have gotten a little bit of a, a bad rap lately. Lately, I think, and with people just thinking that they just implement all kinds of boundaries all the time.

But I think that it's this

lack of distinguishing between what the actual intention is. So I'm gonna talk about some of the common misconceptions about what. People are confusing for boundaries, how to make really good boundaries and be able to use them effectively. And I think that that's gonna help as you're looking at situations in your life and being able to determine what the best course of action would be in that, or what you're actually meaning when you think that you're setting boundaries.[00:06:00] 

So let's break this down. So. Boundaries are limits that you set for yourself and they're about your own individual behavior. They are not about other people's behavior. They are not about how other people interact with you. It is about what you and your behavior is. So that example, I don't respond to work emails after 7:00 PM The control that you have over that is a hundred percent you.

So you do not control whether somebody sends you information. You do not control whether other people are trying to contact you, but what you do have control over is your response. And so that is a boundary. A rule is something that you're trying to impose on other people, so it's commands that you're putting on others, and they're usually really rigid or they rely on somebody else complying.

So a rule would be that no one can send me anything after 7:00 PM. There's a lot of frustration that happens when you try to impose a rule because [00:07:00] you don't have control over that. It is completely on someone else to comply or not comply with your rule, and you don't have control over their behavior.

So when you're setting rules for how other people interact with you or for what other people do, and calling them boundaries and then getting frustrated because people aren't respecting your boundaries. You're actually trying to enforce something on someone else. So when you look at a situation like that, or when you're looking at something that's causing you frustration, you know, I want my in-laws to call before they come and they don't ever call before they come.

The. That's not a boundary. The boundary isn't that your in-laws don't come over unless they call, because that's a rule. That's something that you would have coming or that they would have to comply with. The boundary can be that we're not available unless you call first. So they could still come, but you're not being available or you may not be available, or you [00:08:00] may be out, or you may.

You know, whatever the, the answer is for what you want to do. Like we can talk on the porch for a few minutes or something like that. But finding what you actually have control over in that situation instead of what the rule or expectation that you're placing on someone else. And I think that this is often the one that most people get into.

It's trying to enforce rules for other people's behavior and then calling it boundaries. And the next thing that people sometimes get confused with this too, is that they'll set a standard and they'll set a standard of what they expect. And this is a personal bar for how you want to show up. So a standard is, again, you focused, I have a high standard of putting my phone away at dinner, so I'm present with my family.

That can be a standard, something that is. You owning your [00:09:00] own actions, deciding what is acceptable and not acceptable to you, and then that is on you to meet those standards. I think a lot of times this can actually come into play in relationship dynamics too, so there can be different standards that different partners have in a relationship where one might have a standard of no dirty dishes in the sink at night, and then they're upset with their partner for not.

Adhering to their individual standard, and it might not be the standard for that partner. And so the communication and bridging that is how you're gonna be able to agree on what the standard is for the household, or you have your own sets of standards and then it's up to that individual person to decide if that's something that they want to continue to meet on their own or if they want to adjust the standards.

And standards is often confused with expectations. And expectations are assumptions about other people's [00:10:00] behavior, and these are often unspoken. So in that example, because my standard is that I don't want dirty dishes in the sink overnight, which is an idealized standard. I do not like their dishes and the sleep overnight, but it does happen sometimes.

But that would be like an example of a standard then. My expectation may be that other people in my household don't put dishes in the sink and leave them there overnight. So this is an unspoken assumption. And so if people do start to do that, then I can begin to be resentful because they are not meeting my expectation, which often is uncommunicated.

But this is something that I'm expecting from someone else. To comply with. It is not, I do not have control over it. It is on the other person. And so when you talk about looking at boundaries and standards, those are things that you can control. These are things that you [00:11:00] actually have that you can make a difference of and that you can have your own personal impact on.

When you look at things like rules and expectations, those are outside of your control. Those are other people. And when we confuse boundaries with rules or expectations, we hand over our piece to someone else's choices. But when we set real boundaries and we hold clear our standards, that's when we step back into our power.

So knowing and owning your part of it and being able to bring yourself back into what you can control and what you can own, and the ways that you have opportunities to impact your own piece and looking at the parts of the situation that you do have control over, and taking ownership of that, rather than getting resentful about other people's expectations, you bring that control back to yourself.

You're not handing it out. It doesn't. Require anyone else to do [00:12:00] anything else differently. For you to be able still, to still maintain that peace and that calm in your life. You can't control your boss, your kids, your partner, but you can choose how you show up and what you'll allow and how you protect your energy.

Now, that's not to say that there aren't rules and expectations, especially when you're talking about family dynamics or working within relationships where you need to be on the same team. But those are things that you need to communicate about, and you need to come to an agreement together. It's not something that you can implicitly apply.

I mean, you can, but you'll be frustrated. It's not something that you want to just have as assumptions. If you're finding friction in relationships, it often comes back to some of these expectations or rules that are unspoken and that are not getting met. So opening up, having open communication about that, talking about your own part of it and [00:13:00] what your boundaries and what your standards are, communicating to that other person about what their boundaries and their standards are, and then what rules and expectations you can come to together.

And being able to have that communication piece so you can come back to and both own your own individual parts of it and be able to have a realistic. Expectation of what is happening with other people, and even letting go of the expectations, just knowing that I don't have control over the other people in my household, that I don't have control over what their actions are or what they do, but what I do have control over is how I respond, doesn't mean that I'm.

Letting go of all of my own personal standards doesn't mean that I'm just not communicating, just letting people walk all over me. What it does mean is that I know that if I have a certain standard for something and I am not getting that met, that my standard is that I need to be [00:14:00] open. I need to communicate that, and I need to own those things that I have control over.

So I want you to take this and look at it and say, you know, what are the things that maybe I'm thinking is a boundary that's actually perhaps an expectation or a rule that I'm trying to impose on somebody else? What are things that I am calling standards that I think that I'm setting for? Everyone that are actually my own personal standards.

Where am I giving my power and my and my peace away? And there's a couple of journal prompts that might be able to help out with this as you start to dig into this. And that is where in your life are you calling something a boundary, when it's actually a rule or an expectation? And then what's one standard that I want to live [00:15:00] by?

And one boundary that I need to communicate more clearly and as a challenge for this week to kind of really cement the understanding of the knowledge and being able to take this and. Take this theoretical perspective shift and actually see it make changes in your life is trying to stating one boundary this week, starting with yourself and noticing like, I am doing this.

I am responding this way. And be able to see how the boundary that you're intending, that you can turn it around and make that into that personal a hundred percent within your control. And being able to communicate that clearly and notice what the difference that is because you do deserve to feel peace in both your work and your home life.

You've deserve to be able to have [00:16:00] peaceful communications, to have calmed, to have ease, to be able to live the way that you want and to the standards that you want. But knowing the difference between what you have control over and what you don't is such a simple but powerful way to reclaim that. And if this is something that resonated with you, I would love for you to message me and let me know or share it with somebody else who might also be having the same struggle with trying to determine what boundaries are.

And if you love this conversation, I am so grateful for you for listening, for listening to the End, and I would love it if you could rate or review the podcast, if you could share it with someone. And if you could just let me know because that is so important and so helpful when I'm continuing to do this work and being able to share the information that I'm learning and implementing and be able to know the impact that I'm having on others.

and I am so [00:17:00] grateful for you and for having you here today.

Christina: Thank you for tuning in to clear and on purpose. If you're ready to take intentional steps toward a more fulfilling life and wanna customize the approach, I'd love to work with you. Visit www.christinaslayback.com to schedule a free consultation or explore current offers designed to help you gain clarity.

And reclaim your energy. And don't forget to subscribe and share this episode with a friend if you found it helpful. It helps others find the show and grow our community.